Text: Ephesians 5:22-28
It was an interactive session in TBC, Sunday, 25th September, 2011 where the congregation sought answers to some questions about the relationship between man & wife from two couples placed on the hot seat.
Q: What was your courtship based on…..?
Husband A: It was based on God, prayers and the Word, no sex, no kissing, no untoward sexual relations.
Wife B: I am married to a man whom if I had seen physically first, I wouldn’t have chosen him. We spoke on phone for a long time before we eventually met. I had asked God for a tall man, but my husband says I should have told God, ‘how tall?’ Ours was based on commitment. Feelings are nice, but more important is commitment because it is very important to get someone who is willing to go all the way with you and whom you are sure bailing out is not an option.
Q: How did you know your spouse was meant for you?
Husband A: How do you know yourself? I knew my wife was for me the very first day I met her. There’s no hard and fast rule to it, but the problem is most people love to eat of the tree of good and evil whereas God has set before us life. Part of eating from the tree of good and evil is having ‘a list’. Some people need to tear their list and approach choosing their partner based on the conviction of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of God within you will bear witness when you meet the one. This should be the most important factor to choose.
Wife A: I had told God to give only the man who would be my husband the boldness to approach me for a relationship. I had a number of brothers around me whom you could tell had intentions but they never said anything, my husband was the only one who came to me asking for a relationship and when he made his intention known and I prayed about it, God gave me a Word which I always fall back on and it keeps me sure and convinced that I am in the right place.
Husband B: After I spoke to my wife for the first time on phone through a friend, interestingly, I knew I would marry her but I couldn’t just tell her that then, I am pretty sure she would have freaked out. See brothers, we need to apply wisdom even when God has shown you whom your spouse would be. It’s not just enough to know something; we need to ask God for the right timing to expose such knowledge. Never approach a lady with ‘God said…….’ Even if He did say, you need to work it out yourself.
Q: When is the right time to submit to a man and to what extent- during courtship or after marriage?
Husband A: Yes and No. In the sense that if you know that this is the person you would marry, you have nothing to lose by submitting to him during courtship but not in all things, for instance you cannot submit to him where sex is concerned. You don’t learn submission over night; it is acquired over time, my wife submitted to me in courtship. Until you are married, your parents still have a measure of authority over you and so in submitting to your intended, it shouldn’t be against the authority of your parents but once you are married, submission is absolute.
Wife A: Some men are over controlling and love to police their women around. A woman can submit to her man but the bible says ‘submit one to another…’ even before it says, ‘wives, submit to your husbands’. Submission should be a part of you as a woman, but it shouldn’t stop you from achieving your dreams. If the man you are submitting to is over controlling and over protective, then there is an issue.
Q: What is happening to men, responsibility and purpose, especially in the church?
Husband A: Some men in the church today are no longer men in terms of their responsibility. Perhaps because of the poor economic situation of the country today, a lot of Christians are just church goers but you see the spirit life of a man affects his prosperity. God makes our ways prosperous and gives us good success. I think the basic problem with the church is we are becoming less spiritual and more secularized. How many men still take time out to pray and meditate on the Word? Apart from a man being the head of a relationship, he is also the pastor of it. For a man to prosper, he has to be empowered spiritually.
Q: How did you for the years you courted never kiss or have sex?
Husband A: The first day I met my wife, her beauty ravished me and all through courtship but we were able to keep ourselves in check by talking about it. Whenever either I or she felt like doing it, we would talk about it to douse the tension. By doing that, we were creating barriers and releasing the tension. We also tried to avoid being alone in secluded places. Be honest about your feelings and don’t pretend with each other.
Wife B: We said no sex, but we however didn’t define the ‘no kissing’ boundary which brought some trouble. Looking back, I would that we hadn’t kissed during courtship because I feel like it took something out of the wholeness of my purity.
Husband B: Never close the door on communication. Sit down to really talk about it and also discuss boundaries, else you will find yourself doing the things you initially said you wouldn’t do.
Q: How do you know if your intended will like to have sex the way you would like to since as Christians we are not allowed to test-run? Husband A: You see, the truth is we cannot be wiser than God, if God did not make sex pre-marital, then whatever we get in marriage can be improved upon. I’ve heard people give excuses for per-marital sex saying they had to be sure their intended can perform before sealing the deal. There are books that can be read; materials on the internet that will help sex in marriage, counseling classes……. It can be learnt without having to experience it. God in His wisdom wants both parties inexperienced and holy thus keeping the bed undefiled. The truth is sex is more than just an exercise; sex is a covenant act which if practiced in a non-covenant manner provokes familiar spirits. When you have sex, you unite with your partner and become one. If the sanctity of the marriage bed is violated, it will affect the marriage and its future. Communication is also very important to understand each other’s sexual needs. Talk about it; let your spouse know how to please you and what your sexual expectations are. Sexual satisfaction in marriage can be worked on.
You will succeed in Jesus name!
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